HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
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God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
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Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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