he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
