I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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