Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
