I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
