I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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