well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
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stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
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i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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