All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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