tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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