Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
