If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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