I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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