im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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