I just threw up on my dentist
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
