dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
