i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
