I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
