guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
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Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize