I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
