Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
