when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
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