so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
