apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
