I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
