I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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