i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
