just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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