Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
