My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
