I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
