Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
