I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
