i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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