Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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