After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
