I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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