I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
