**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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