the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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