at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
