just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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