Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
