I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Help. Why am I so naked?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
