Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
