You just made me feel so damn special
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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