dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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