no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
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even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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