this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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