Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
