I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
