is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
