You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
PANTIES FOUND
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