We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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