why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
