I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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