Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Randomize
