Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If I die, sorry about rent.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
