YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
